Meet the Dream Team
The ‘Hold your Hats’ Dream Team was formed to run the greatest Scalextric Grand Prix the world has ever seen ……or, at the very least, ensure any chaos goes straight to the “funny right now, but maybe run for cover” rather than a possibly “funny in hindsight” anecdote.
A group of highly trained professionals… if “highly trained” means “trying their best” and “professionals” means “haven’t been banned from the track yet.”
Disclaimer: These Tales are entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters, and events come from the imagination of ‘me, myself, AI’ who has clearly developed a soft spot for a certain Scalextric club in North Wales. Any resemblance to real people, real races, or the lovely folks who gather around the track each week is purely coincidental. If you do recognise a moment or a smile, take it as a small tribute to the community spirit that makes the Club such a special place.
Peter “That Guy Who Seems to Know What Wires Do”
Knows every bump, curve and dodgy connection on the circuit. Claims he can “feel the track breathe,” though everyone else knows it’s just Lane 4’s ‘I’m-about-to-short-out’ cry.
Communicates with miniature figures telepathically — which may explain his very long thoughtfilled silences? Either way, the track and timer co-operate with him… usually. Has warned staff repeatedly:
“If you anger the track, the track will anger you.”
No one knows what he means exactly, but sometimes they think they’ve ‘almost got it’.
He wears the title “Track Whisperer” with a bashful smile and absolutely zero denial.
Neil ‘The Hopeless Assistant’
The well-meaning wrecking ball – A walking disaster in a hi-vis vest. If a car flies off the track, he’s probably the reason. Has labelled the same drawer three different things, believes superglue solves everything, and recently glued his hand to a pit-wall barrier “just to see if it would stick.”
He is banned from touching the power supply – and so once tried to fix a power cut by shouting at the sparky-thingy – and anything that has instructions longer than one sentence.
Still he means well! Bless him
Rhodri ‘Volunteer / Occasionally 'No more Mr Nice Lap'
Brings biscuits for the team, usually energy bars.
Always calm, always supportive, and always the one quietly fixing everything the Hopeless Assistant breaks. Provides emotional support to the plastic figures and motivational speeches to the cars. Without this person, the whole place would collapse faster than a badly-glued grandstand.
He has rescued de-railed cars, crying assistants, and confused spectators (both plastic and human).
He’s the emotional support for plastic figures
Rhodri kneels beside them and says things like:
“It’s okay, little guy. You can’t move your arms and legs, but you can still chase your dreams.”
Neal once walked in on him giving a TED Talk to the pit crew figurines.
Rhodri also runs the Scalextric blog’s quizzes for everyone—whether you’re a Know-Almost-Nothing newbie or a Know-All fanatic. Start your quiz lap by clicking the Quizextric link. No cheating!
Mrs "The Mop Boss" Moppit
The unsung hero of the racing world. Spends her day rescuing dust-coated spectators, un-sticking chewing gum from pit lane; battling fluff, energy bar crumbs and wiping off any Rogue Racer’s ‘track goo’, that no one dares question. The only person brave enough to pick up cars still smoking from a crash. Runs this place, really.
Speaks to dirt like a villain in a superheroine movie:
“You thought you could hide behind the pit boxes, did you?”
After overhearing a customer snidely claimed they lost because….
“There’s dust on Lane 3.”
Her eyes narrowed.
Her mop quivered with rage.
Without asking permission, she marched in and started cleaning with the intensity of a Viking warrior entering battle. Since then, everyone eats their energy bar on a plate.
Her Furriness
When Peter first moved in, this little ginger ball was already in residence, having claimed an old armchair as her chosen sleeping spot, and clearly considering the place hers. Peter has since graciously accommodated her continued tenancy and even created her a snug hideaway beneath the Scalextric track’s toastiest bend on the proviso that, on track days, she does not flick a whisker. She has been tasked with ensuring the track figures remain absolutely still on race days — no wobbling, no waving, no dramas.
Unbeknownst to Peter, however, in her spare time Her Furriness (more recently known as High Five) thrilled to have so many friends all of a sudden dreams of becoming a Paws-On-The-Ground Reporter — a secret feline operative quietly surveilling every whisper, wiggle, and wobble on and off the Track, always with Peter’s interests tucked neatly in her furry little mind. Equipped with a keen sense of timing, ninja-like stealth, and an uncanny ability to vanish into the tiniest nooks and crannies, she monitors every inch of the miniature racing empire.
Her intelligence is sharp, her observations forensic, and her reports occasionally devastating to reputations — particularly of anyone or anything that might threaten the smooth running of race day. In short, High Five is an impish, loyal, and ever-watchful ally: a spy, a sentinel, a strategist, and the ultimate guardian of Peter’s miniature racing empire. She hopes to one day turn her track stories from “oops” to “oops, I’m famous.”